The title of this post has been in my mind for six months. If you are one of my few male readers and you don’t want to hear about breastfeeding, then step away. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Before I became a Mother I decided I was going to breastfeed. There was no question in my mind, no thought that it wouldn’t work or that I would have trouble, I was going to do it and do it for a year. Then J came along.
My precious little guy who became my precious big guy within weeks. Born at 8lbs 2oz, he nursed like there was no tomorrow, I could set a clock to his two hour feedings and he ate for ten minutes and was done. He gained a pound a week for three months straight. We started calling him ‘the chunk’, thankfully that nickname didn’t stay but, he grew into his true nickname of ‘Bubba Joe’. Why I don’t call him that on my blog is beyond me because he truly answers more to ‘Bubba Joe’ than he does to his real name. When it was time to switch over to solid food J quickly became a lover of all things food, juice (or water with a splash of cranberry) became is new best friend. However, he still nursed a couple times a day and night until he was about ten months old. Slowly he dropped to nighttime feedings only and then one day at 131/2 months he stopped. I knew it was coming, but it was heart breaking at the time. I never knew if I would have another child and it was a bitter sweet moment. He was done.
Then along came Apple, which is her nickname, but she rarely answers to it, funny, eh? When she was born and weighed in at 9.5lbs she was the heaviest and longest of all my nieces and nephews. We thought for sure she was going to be a large child, we prepared for it. However, despite the fact that she nursed all the live long day and night she is actually quite tiny. She is tall and lean, but light and has zero body fat. How she got that gene is beyond me. We introduced her to solids at six months, like her brother, but she didn’t really care at first. She slowly started eating more and more and finally decided that she could eat all day long. Some days she eats more than J does.
But nursing she wouldn’t give up. Around Christmas time I was feeling like I was going to cut her off. It had been a year and three months and I was done. However, she got sick and would only nurse so I continued on. As the months passed and she started pulling on my shirt, I realized I really had to stop this because I did not like being pulled and torn at all day long. She eats, a lot. So I cut off the daytime feeds. It was a tragic month of tears and shirt pulling and giving her yogurt after yogurt. Finally she mostly stopped pulling on my shirt. Every now and then she still does it, but I know she is just hungry.
The nighttime feeds continued though. And the judgment from family and friends was really starting to get to me. It was totally my choice to continue to feed her, and I really wanted to stop, but I felt like she would just do it one day, like J did. This Friday, however, I was done. I am not sure what made me decide, I guess I didn’t really think about it, I just didn’t do it and was able to settle her. So on Saturday I didn’t offer. Instead I offered water, which she was not happy about. I think I have insulted her, but so far she still kisses and hugs me so I think she will get over it.
Here I sit on Tuesday with a left boob that is not only killing me, but wondering why on earth I stopped feeding Apple. For some reason the left has been the favorite of both kids so it is continuing to fill up whereas the right, bah, it’s fine and half the size. Hopefully I won’t experience mastitis for the first time after I weaned my kids but, I am on the look out for it. As much as I was done, I will also miss this time with Apple. It was the only thing I could offer that was truly from me. I do not know if we will have any more children, so I also have this little bit of sadness that I will never get to do this again. And maybe, just maybe once the ‘girls’ stop lactating, they will return to their old former size, a girl can hope can’t she?
