The title of this post has been in my mind for six months. If you are one of my few male readers and you don’t want to hear about breastfeeding, then step away. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Before I became a Mother I decided I was going to breastfeed. There was no question in my mind, no thought that it wouldn’t work or that I would have trouble, I was going to do it and do it for a year. Then J came along.
My precious little guy who became my precious big guy within weeks. Born at 8lbs 2oz, he nursed like there was no tomorrow, I could set a clock to his two hour feedings and he ate for ten minutes and was done. He gained a pound a week for three months straight. We started calling him ‘the chunk’, thankfully that nickname didn’t stay but, he grew into his true nickname of ‘Bubba Joe’. Why I don’t call him that on my blog is beyond me because he truly answers more to ‘Bubba Joe’ than he does to his real name. When it was time to switch over to solid food J quickly became a lover of all things food, juice (or water with a splash of cranberry) became is new best friend. However, he still nursed a couple times a day and night until he was about ten months old. Slowly he dropped to nighttime feedings only and then one day at 131/2 months he stopped. I knew it was coming, but it was heart breaking at the time. I never knew if I would have another child and it was a bitter sweet moment. He was done.
Then along came Apple, which is her nickname, but she rarely answers to it, funny, eh? When she was born and weighed in at 9.5lbs she was the heaviest and longest of all my nieces and nephews. We thought for sure she was going to be a large child, we prepared for it. However, despite the fact that she nursed all the live long day and night she is actually quite tiny. She is tall and lean, but light and has zero body fat. How she got that gene is beyond me. We introduced her to solids at six months, like her brother, but she didn’t really care at first. She slowly started eating more and more and finally decided that she could eat all day long. Some days she eats more than J does.
But nursing she wouldn’t give up. Around Christmas time I was feeling like I was going to cut her off. It had been a year and three months and I was done. However, she got sick and would only nurse so I continued on. As the months passed and she started pulling on my shirt, I realized I really had to stop this because I did not like being pulled and torn at all day long. She eats, a lot. So I cut off the daytime feeds. It was a tragic month of tears and shirt pulling and giving her yogurt after yogurt. Finally she mostly stopped pulling on my shirt. Every now and then she still does it, but I know she is just hungry.
The nighttime feeds continued though. And the judgment from family and friends was really starting to get to me. It was totally my choice to continue to feed her, and I really wanted to stop, but I felt like she would just do it one day, like J did. This Friday, however, I was done. I am not sure what made me decide, I guess I didn’t really think about it, I just didn’t do it and was able to settle her. So on Saturday I didn’t offer. Instead I offered water, which she was not happy about. I think I have insulted her, but so far she still kisses and hugs me so I think she will get over it.
Here I sit on Tuesday with a left boob that is not only killing me, but wondering why on earth I stopped feeding Apple. For some reason the left has been the favorite of both kids so it is continuing to fill up whereas the right, bah, it’s fine and half the size. Hopefully I won’t experience mastitis for the first time after I weaned my kids but, I am on the look out for it. As much as I was done, I will also miss this time with Apple. It was the only thing I could offer that was truly from me. I do not know if we will have any more children, so I also have this little bit of sadness that I will never get to do this again. And maybe, just maybe once the ‘girls’ stop lactating, they will return to their old former size, a girl can hope can’t she?
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That must be so hard. I had a hard time nursing and didn’t go nearly as long as you did. Take Care.
Good for you for doing as long as you felt was right. It is a hard decision to stop. I pumped for 14 months for The Bean before I knew I couldn’t do it anymore. I was so tired of that pump.
I often wonder if we had actually been able to nurse if I would have gone longer. My milk supply was fine, but the exhaustion of pumping then feeding then cleaning the pump. It was time.
Like you, I have no idea if God will bless us with another child. I hope to have the opportunity to actually nurse one day, but I’m happy that I’ve given my child what I was able to.
Kudos to you as well!
Oh dear. That’s a tough one. It was hard for me too. I have a photo of that last nursing. It’s a treasure.
Weaning is definitely bitter sweet, eh? Here’s to a new era.
Related: I read this while nursing my 5 month old… on the left side 😉
Also related: My 5 month old has his first two teeth. Ouch.
{{{{HUGS}}}}}
such a bitter-sweet moment
I was sad when Kamden quit too…but he was only 8 months. I admire mom’s who can do it longer, we were both pretty ready at that time. I was sad too though because part of me knew that was it, there would be no more. I did still hope though.
And as for them returning to their former glory, I do hope they do. Mine? More like deflated balloons:) But bigger than they were before kids so you know, there’s that. Thank goodness for good push up bras.
This line stopped me: “It was the only thing I could offer that was truly from me.” So not true! Nobody will ever love them like their mommy — nobody!!
Have you thought of pumping off just a bit, to ease the buildup? Not too much, as that will just encourage production, but just a wee bit? I feel your emotional pain, though — I weaned Lucas (well, more like I finally let Lucas wean himself) last month and still feel sad about it. He was nursing so little, though, that I never had soreness. Hope yours passes quickly!
Great post. We’re only 6 months along, but I do think about what it will be like toward the end. How long we’ll go. I tell myself one year, but I wonder if it will be more or less. I also have started thinking about it more now, trying to see it as something special, instead of a chore, because we don’t know if we’ll have another. Thank you for sharing this.
I dread and look forward to that moment.
I vowed to nurse the kids till they are all 3. This is what one of my Drs told me to do and he is wise and old and very into eastern ways. Normal to the rest of the world but be damned if you do that here. The judgment I face is brutal. However the only time E gets it is at night and sometimes he misses his 3 mins he gets with me. Since H came along though it is all E wants and he cries and begs all day. My boobs are tired though, so tired. I am thinking that H will get caught off way sooner than Mr Wise Dr would like. Did you know that at 18 mos of age a nursing child gets a second major round of immunities from the mom?
Well at least that is what a nurse just told me when I was in with H. Interesting huh?