On Tuesday, I had lunch with a former colleague.  Actually, two colleagues.  We get together once or twice a year and easily fall into place as though I had never left to have a baby and did not return.

My initial lunch date was with a lady I lunched with almost every Friday for three years.  And days in between we would often walk the campus at lunch getting in a 2-3km walk without having to step outside.  And this was not your average walk, this was a powerwalk.  I stayed in wonderful shape from those walks alone.  Nothing like putting running shoes on with your power suit and briskly walking the halls chatting it up, almost every day.  I actually kept it up until I was almost 7 months pregnant, which is why I was so much skinnier with J than I was with Apple.

The additional lunch date was with a gentleman that was in my group, but moved out during one of the rounds of downsizing (I lost count at 12 or so).  We used to meet for coffee on occasion and chat on Messenger as we were both at work early and got the bulk of the day finished before anybody else would even arrive.

As I was walking the halls of my former employers, I truly felt like I had never left.  So much so that as we were heading out after lunch, I stopped to go up the stairs like we used to (no elevators for us).  I have been back quite a few times since I left after having J, but this was the first time I went alone.  And this was the first time, I wished I still worked there.

I know it is not the same, most of the employees are gone, the halls that were once crowded with people and laughter are quiet and empty.  The morale is at an all time low and really, despite the fact that most of my old team is still in tact, I can honestly say that they wouldn’t need me anymore.

Five years and three months ago, I left the corporate world.  And if I am 100% honest with you, I will tell you that I miss it like no tomorrow.  But.  And yes, there is a but.  The thought of leaving my kids in the care of someone else, anyone else but me (it wouldn’t even matter at this point if it were a relative or a daycare, it would not be me) just makes me sick to my stomach.  And this alone makes me happy with the decisions we have made as a family.  I just wish that once in a while I could wear my heels and suits and not have to worry that I am getting wrinkled or spilled on. But, for now, my uniform is jeans and a t-shirt and my shoes are slip ons, this is just the way it is going to be for the next little while.

And I am Ok with it.