I did a little research tonight and found that one of the drugs that I still have to take as part of my experiment actually has severe side effects (for me). The side effects include: weight gain, irritability, extreme tiredness or sedation (it has been hard to stay awake lately) and…. depression!!
Everything I have been feeling and wrote earlier still stands, but it made me feel a little better to know that my inability to control my sadness may have had a little help. I won’t be on these drugs much longer (a few days maybe, hopefully) and may return to my usual sunny beachloving self, although with the weight gain, I won’t be beachin’ it until it is gone 😉
Truth is out. I am officially in a funk. I don’t want to do a self-diagnosis as I am not a shrink by any means. But, the truth is I am getting a bit depressed. It is to be expected, I was preparing for it, but I did not think that my beautiful little neice was going to arrive for another month, so I thought I would have this last bit of time to prepare. The fact of the matter is, since I saw her on Sunday, I cannot stop the tears from rising to the surface. Please don’t get me wrong. I am so happy for my Sister and my little neice, but it is just as hard as I thought it was going to be and more.
I try not to dwell on the fact that I was pregnant before my sister, that I was pregnant with my sister, twice, and here I am still without. I do love “J” more than anything, I would not trade him for the world, I am happy with what I have, but I want more. Why do we always want more? If I knew there would never ever be more, then I think it would be easier to make that final wave goodbye and get over it. But, since I still feel that there is a chance for more, it makes this all so difficult.
The thing that puts me in the funk the most is the proverbial question, why me? Is it because I am so much stronger than my sisters that I have been chosen to hold the torch of infertility and loss? Did I do something so wrong in my youth that I am continuously being punished for it? I just want to yell really loud, WHY ME!!!!!??????? And add a few expletives for good measure.
I don’t expect to find the answers out there in the blogsphere, but nobody here wants to hear about it, so well, you’re it. Thanks for listening.
Is my little neice! A2, as I will call her, was released from the hospital yesterday. And at a week and two days old, she is exactly half the size that “J” was on the same day! Since I never had a little baby, it was so strange to see her bundled up in her carseat. So teeny, she barely fit in the seat at all! Her recovery last week was remarkable and truthfully, she could have probobly come home on Friday, so the nurses pushed to have her sprung on Sunday (they usually don’t do releases on the weekend, but she was ready). All the brusing that is left is on her eyelids, so she just looks like she is learning how to wear the latest colour of eye shadow early on. “J” & J2 were very gentle with and around her, which was good to see that they are aware of how to behave. I look forward to our next visit when I will hopefully see her out of her carseat.
