Anytime I have and appointment at the fertility clinic I spend the whole day crying on and off. Yesterday was no different. Except for the fact that I was also saying good-bye.

I had my follow up appointment for my last failed treatment three months ago. And since I haven’t won the lottery, nor have I inherited a large sum of money, it was probably my last visit. The new facilities are gorgeous, as I sat in the waiting room, I thought, “How unfair is this?” I had to sit in that horrible waiting room and now that I may finally never go back, it is so inviting I want to be there.

Basically, there is no rhyme or reason for any of my pregnancies or miscarriages last year. The reason my drug treatments didn’t work is most likely the reason we couldn’t get pregnant the first time. My RE (who apparently is really nice now) agreed with me that perhaps the drugs I took a year and a half ago for our frozen transfer fried my eggs so that the sperm were able to make the connection. But, because things weren’t right my pregnancies were most likely chemical and therefore resulted in miscarriage. After my last miscarriage my body started shifting towards it’s old self, last year things were slightly different so I always knew that something strange was going on.

So here we sit with no plan, no more frosties (although they are checking to make sure they are indeed gone) and not enough money to do another round of IVF. I did offer my services to sit on a panel to try to get IVF paid for by OHIP. I offered to do anything possible to make the system fair for everyone. My RE was successful in getting the funding back for the patients who had two blocked tubes (it was taken away when the clinic went public), but as I hope we all agree it is not fair to fund some and not all of true ( true being infertile and not people who want to get pregnant on a schedule) infertility patients.

My hope and prayer is that before it is too late for my eggs and body that I will be able to have IVF again one day, that is of course if a miracle doesn’t present itself. And if I cannot, then my hope is that others, who perhaps cannot afford IVF will have it available to them and have the same joy and laughter that fills my house each and every day. J is truly a gift that I cherish each and everyday. I am so thankful he is here with us, my only hope is that he will have the same joy of more siblings that I have.

And because one chapter may indeed be closing it doesn’t mean that I am going to just stop doing anything to help my chances. On the advice of my RE and the encouragement of my friends, I am going for some acupuncture today. If nothing else, at least I am trying something new and opening up my horizons just a little more.