Am I a bad parent because I was bored at the “Disney on Ice” show?? The first half was pretty good, excitement wise. “J” had a blast, he was dancing and singing away, it was great! Then we took a break. The second half was not so exciting. “J” was asking to go home after about 5 minutes. If I could have escaped our row, I would have left for sure. The second half was mostly a love story with Tarzan and Jane. And although I was rather impressed with Tarzan’s physique, it just wasn’t enough to keep me captivated for the whole second half.
After “J” asked to go home for the 100th time, I was very thankful that the finale was on and it was indeed time to go. I think we had a better time going for lunch with a girlfriend and her kids and another friend and her kids. I am not sure the server at Boston Pizza would agree that she had the best of time, but oh well, it’s payback time for all those years I had to clean up after other people and their kids! And ours were mostly loud, not messy. “J” had his first leak out in a very long time, and of course I had no extra pants. I had just checked his diaper too! I think he is getting close to the potty training thing as he seems to p almost immediately after a large drink. He didn’t p again until 6pm!! But, it made my girlfriend laugh to see my son running around a restaurant in his diaper and socks ( he wanted to take his boots off!). Thankfully it was a warmer day outside so I wrapped him in my skijacket and bundled him in the car, where there are blankets and a heater 🙂
I am starting to feel better now that the drugs are wearing off, but it is safe to officially say that our experiment was a total bust. Can’t wait for the follow-up appointment on this one!! Funny how they “forgot” all about me and didn’t schedule anything, but I didn’t forget and made sure to make the appointment for a couple of weeks away so I would be back to my old emotional self. “On with the show” as Bugs Bunny would sing!
I did a little research tonight and found that one of the drugs that I still have to take as part of my experiment actually has severe side effects (for me). The side effects include: weight gain, irritability, extreme tiredness or sedation (it has been hard to stay awake lately) and…. depression!!
Everything I have been feeling and wrote earlier still stands, but it made me feel a little better to know that my inability to control my sadness may have had a little help. I won’t be on these drugs much longer (a few days maybe, hopefully) and may return to my usual sunny beachloving self, although with the weight gain, I won’t be beachin’ it until it is gone 😉
Truth is out. I am officially in a funk. I don’t want to do a self-diagnosis as I am not a shrink by any means. But, the truth is I am getting a bit depressed. It is to be expected, I was preparing for it, but I did not think that my beautiful little neice was going to arrive for another month, so I thought I would have this last bit of time to prepare. The fact of the matter is, since I saw her on Sunday, I cannot stop the tears from rising to the surface. Please don’t get me wrong. I am so happy for my Sister and my little neice, but it is just as hard as I thought it was going to be and more.
I try not to dwell on the fact that I was pregnant before my sister, that I was pregnant with my sister, twice, and here I am still without. I do love “J” more than anything, I would not trade him for the world, I am happy with what I have, but I want more. Why do we always want more? If I knew there would never ever be more, then I think it would be easier to make that final wave goodbye and get over it. But, since I still feel that there is a chance for more, it makes this all so difficult.
The thing that puts me in the funk the most is the proverbial question, why me? Is it because I am so much stronger than my sisters that I have been chosen to hold the torch of infertility and loss? Did I do something so wrong in my youth that I am continuously being punished for it? I just want to yell really loud, WHY ME!!!!!??????? And add a few expletives for good measure.
I don’t expect to find the answers out there in the blogsphere, but nobody here wants to hear about it, so well, you’re it. Thanks for listening.
